Thursday, December 15, 2005

A friend and this boy

By MasterDater of

The scenario
So, I've got this friend. Let's call her Jenny. She's in High School and currently has a crush on someone. She's really trying to get his attention and trying to show that she REALLY likes him... But it seems that he doesn't even notice her. What to do...

The Answer
I hate to say this, but when it comes to guys these days, romantically challenged seems to fit quite well as a descriptor. In my opinion, romanticism has been dying ever since the birth of womens rights (let's leave that one for another day shall we?) As a result, you can't just give off signs and expect a guy to pick up on them. Hell, they probably aren't looking, or know how to recognize these signs.

You have to make a preemptive strike. That's right ladies, you can ask someone on a date, and not be considered intimidating. As a matter of fact, the "signs" are more likely going to get you labled as a slut by other girls, than just asking him on a date. It's as simple as asking if he's busy this upcoming weekend, and then asking if he would like to go out for dinner and a movie (or any other date you might have in mind.)

But, even if he agrees to go out with you, be sure to keep one thing in mind. DON'T TAKE THIS AS YOU TWO GOING STEADY!!! You are simply going on a date! You're trying things out, so don't be surprised if things don't go as well as you had hoped. Then again, that's what dating's all about. Seeing if he's really worth the effort to make a commitment to.


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Sunday, October 23, 2005

The ABC’s of Choosing a Suitable Partner Online

Do you want to know the truth about any online Hotty?  Follow these three steps and you will!
Wouldn’t you love to correspond with only online prospects that met your requirements?  Think that’s impossible to do before you meet them? It’s not impossible! You can choose suitable dates before you meet them.  By following these three steps you’ll be able to read a prospect’s profile and read between the lines.  You’ll be able to get a reading on how they measure up on qualities that are important to you and qualities that are absolutely deal breakers.

Here’s what you need to do.
A.  Know What You Want
-You need to figure out exactly what you want out of a partner.  I am always amazed to discover how many of my clients don’t know what they want.  What are the three absolute must haves for your potential mate

It’s usually best to choose internal qualities versus external qualities.  For example, “slim” is an external quality—it can come or go depending on physical mobility, hormones, medications etc.  “Fitness oriented” is an internal and therefore immutable quality.  Regardless of the circumstances, this person will strive to be fit.  Another example is affluent which depends upon circumstances such as the stock market, or the job market, or other possible slings and arrows.  Industrious, on the other hand, is an internal immutable quality.  Here’s a list of some positive qualities (it is by no means exhaustive):

    1. Honest

    2. Transparent

    3. Generous

    4. Compassionate

    5. Expressive

    6. Intelligent

    7. Courageous

    8. Creative

    9. Loyal

    10. Faithful

    11. Industrious

    12. Frugal

    13. Adventurous

    14. Determined

    15. Easy going

    16. Good sense of humor

    17. Integritous

    18. Secure

  1. Now come up with three deal breakers.  You can turn any of the above into a deal breaker by making it the negative, e.g., unfaithful, no integrity, lazy (as opposed to industrious), spendthrift, unimaginative, Here’s a non-exhaustive list of negative qualities, or qualities that may make it hard to be with someone…

    1. Addicted

    2. Self-absorbed

    3. Lazy

    4. Selfish

    5. Angry

    6. Non-expressive

    7. Rigid

    8. Controlling

    9. Insecure

    10. Immoral

    11. Unfaithful

    12. Opportunistic

    13. Jealous

    14. Explosive

    15. Weak

    16. Fearful

    17. Uncaring

    18. Rude

    19. Withholding

B.    Find (Intuit) the Qualities You’ve Identified.
Go online and browse through random profiles.  The randomness is VERY important because it’s easier to build up your intuition muscle when you’re not attached to the outcome.  Capisce? 

1.    Find some one with a MUST HAVE quality.  Read as many profiles as you need to until you find at least one that says integrity to you (an example of a ‘must have’).  You do not have to be the least bit attracted to this person!  You just have to be able to read the profile and have it resonate integrity through and through.  Try rating it on a scale of 1 – 10.  (It should probably be up there at 8.5 and above to qualify as an “I have this quality”.  If this is difficult for you, go to my website, to get some more tips!  Or ask a friend to help you.

2.  Find someone with one of your MUST NOT HAVE qualities.  This could be harder because prospects do not describe in detail their bad points!  None-the-less, it is possible.  Just keep reading until you come to someone’s profile who says Unreliable between the lines.

Start Rating Those Prospects!
 Now comes the fun part.  Go to an appealing prospect.  Take each of the three qualities and rate this person on each of these qualities.  Just try and use your intuition (you have it, you just may have to learn how to access it). For example, let’s say that you wanted your prospective partner to be integritous, industrious, and faithful.  Just put a number (1 -10) next to each one.  The key in doing this exercise is to NOT THINK TOO hard about it.  This is also a really good time to get someone else’s feedback (once again you can go to my website and take advantage of a great collaborative offer!) or call a friend.

You may not be able to get a reading on every quality in every prospect. This can happen for a variety of reasons:
·      The online dating service’s questions don’t allow for full expression.
·      The quality in question is not hugely important to the prospect.
·      The prospect is ambivalent about the quality in question (i.e., knows it’s important to be faithful, but is too scared to commit to just one person).
·      Some people are less transparent than others. 

Dr. Lauren Outland, renowned personal coach, has been quoted in
Redbook, First for Women, and Fitness magazines. As an expert in
spiritual and personal growth, she has written articles for The
Jewish Journal, and the Palisadean Post. Lauren has a unique
ability to find the obstacles that hold people back from
realizing whatever they long for, and the resources to get free
of these obstacles. Lauren is passionate about helping you find a
satisfying and luscious relationship. She is committed to your
empowerment and specializes in giving you the tools to help you
solve problems and thrive. Visit her online at 

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Sunday, September 25, 2005

The "Friend" Category

Redfield Q & A
The "Friend" Category
By Bryan Redfield


Bryan, I read your article, "She only wants to be friends?" and it hit very close to home. I am a single woman in my early 20's and I have a male friend who is obviously falling for me.

I have known him for about a year, but we have only been acquaintances until recently. As I started to get to know him better, he fell into my "friend" category. Unfortunately, I didn't fall into his. He wants to persue a reltionship with me.

I have told him on more than one occasion that he is a good friend and that I am interested in someone else. He is still not giving up. His friends told me that all he does is talk about me and I'm the only one he is interested in.

I would like to keep him as a friend, but I'm afraid the best thing I can do is keep away from him. How can I make this situation easier on the both of us?


You're basically asking me three questions:

1) How can I keep someone as a friend that I am not interested in sexually who wants to have sex with me?

2) How can I make it easier on both of us?

3) Should I just stay away from him?

Let's take your third question first.

For you to avoid him sets up a dangerous pattern for your future behavior in all areas of your life, personally and professionally, because you are running away from the problem instead of dealing with it head on.

By running away you are surrendering control to someone else. This is never good for you because you will eventually end up feeling victimized and blame outside sources (boyfriend, ex- boyfriend, lover, ex-lover, guys-who-won't-leave-you-alone, bosses, etc.) for your problems.

He already knows you're not interested in him, yet he still pursues you. Based on his behavior, what is he telling you? Quite simply that he doesn't respect you as a human being and that he is going to continue chasing you until he either gets you in bed or loses interest in you. Regardless of which it is, he obviously doesn't care about you as a person or he'd stop chasing you romantically against your will.

He knows you want to be friends with him, but not lovers. He knows you aren't sure of how to handle this situation. And he knows you want people to like you.

Bearing that in mind, let's get to your first question, which is: How can you stay friends with him. You can't be true friends with someone who's main desire is to get you in bed when the feeling isn't mutual because everything he says and does is going to revolve around breaking down your resistance.

From what you have said, you've been very straightforward and honest in letting him know you like him as a friend, but romantically there is no interest. And he won't get the message. It's unlikely you'll be able to stay friends with him because that isn't what he wants. Since I don't know how you told him, I'll take it from Square One and cover all the bases.

One of the most important things I teach my students is: Any healthy relationship is based on respect. Respect for who the other person is and what they want. Everything else flows from that one, basic foundation piece.

Another major lesson I teach my students, once I've taught them the fundamentals of effective communication, is: What you do is no reflection on the other person and what they do is no reflection on you.

So how do you handle him using class, style and dignity?

When you see him and he compliments you, smile in a non-sexual way, politely and sincerely thank him for the compliment, and then continue doing whatever it was you were doing as if nothing happened. Don't talk down to him or be rude in any way. That just makes you look bad and lowers you to his level. Whether he's a nice guy or a jerk, no matter how subtle or graphic he chooses to get with his language or behavior, if you have this attitude, one of casual friendliness, you will always look good and he will eventually end up looking very stupid, even to his best friends. And his friends will have to stand there in awe and say, "Boy, this woman has class." Because, no matter what he does, you've maintained your dignity.

Sit down quietly alone with him and, in a warm, loving way, say, "I really value our friendship and I don't want to lose it so I need your help. What do I need to do to let you know in a nice, loving way I'm not interested in you romantically or sexually? I want to be able to tell you this in a way that doesn't hurt our friendship. But if our friendship rides on my becoming your girlfriend, we're going to have to end our friendship because that isn't what I want. How can we work this out?" And see what he says. If he really is your friend, he'll understand and accept it. If he isn't, he'll persist.

Your second question, how can you make it easier on both of you? Unfortunately, you can't. Because in this situation there is going to be a winner and a loser. One of you is going to get what you want and the other isn't. If he takes losing gracefully and with a certain level of maturity, you can stay friends with him. But this is unlikely because he's told all of his friends how he feels about you and he's refused to take your hints so far. This isn't the mark of a mature man.

Good luck and God Bless.

Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you. Visit Bryan's website at:

This advice column is copyright 1999 - 2005 by Bryan Redfield.

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Did Jon Voight Hate Billy Bob Thornton?

Waldo & Doc Love
Did Jon Voight Hate Billy Bob Thornton?
By Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I purchased your Dating Dictionary recently, and it’s been very informative in showing me where I’ve made mistakes with women in the past. As a result, I’ve had tremendous success with your advice in talking to and getting positive responses out of women. But there is still one problem that seems to come up and I’m powerless to solve it.

The last girl I really liked, Tanya, ended up dumping me out of the clear blue. The last day I was with her, she mentioned that her father “approved” of me, and that he never approved of anyone before. Before this happened she acted differently towards me (i.e., with high Interest Level), but once I got the parental seal of acceptance it was over the very next day. Could it be that her Interest Level was lowered because her parents approved of me? This is not the reason that Tanya gave me for ending it, but I have noticed it in a few relationships in the past.

I’ve talked to other women about this, and they admit to wanting a good guy that appears to be a “bad boy” to the parents. It seems like they want to go against their parent’s wishes. I guess my question to you is, is this just Womanese for their low Interest Level in me, or could it be that women don’t want their folks to like their boyfriends?

Now it seems that I get along with women’s parents VERY well, and they all like me. (At least to my face they do.) But as soon as the relationship has gone on long enough for me to have met their parents a few times, everything falls apart. Can you give me any advice on how to handle this situation, and how not to have the parents like me so much? Or is this not really a problem after all, and am I just looking for an excuse for why I always seem to screw it up with females I like?

Your book has opened up my eyes, and allowed me to see more of what women want. I can see more clearly that the guys who act in the way that you advise have women around them all the time. I look forward to learning more and coming closer to mastery of “The System.” In the meantime, I need help solving my “parents problem.” I really hope you can help me out.

Thanks, Doc. You’re the best.

Gino - who never thought he’d run into something like this

Hi Gino,

Allow me to straighten you out about something right up front. Being rejected by Tanya was out of the clear blue FOR YOU. For Tanya, it was preplanned.

So, Tanya’s parents never approved of anyone but you before. Now think about this, my friend. Here’s a girl giving you the old heave-ho, and in the process serving up a tall tale to throw you off the scent of the real reason –her lack of interest in you -- and you’re ready to buy it. Just because two things happen at the same time (i.e., Tanya decides to dump you and her parents announce that they think you’re okay) you jump automatically to the conclusion that it’s a case of cause and effect, and you don’t consider the possibility that it’s all pure coincidence and that one thing has nothing to do with the other.

I’m trying to train you guys to be forensic love scientists, to look very closely at the evidence, and that’s what you have to do in order to know what’s really going on between you and your woman. You have to consider all the possibilities in every case and not run off half-cocked towards a conclusion that doesn’t hold water. Like my cousin Doctor Love would say, “You can’t just rush to judgment led by your exploding Interest Level or your supersensitive ego.”

Now sure, it’s possible that Tanya cut you loose because her folks approved of you – that is, if she hates her parents’ guts and she’s going to end up being the psycho wife from hell who will make Angelina Jolie or J-Lo look clinically sane. In which case you don’t want her anyway.

Tanya didn’t give you a reason for ending your romance? You’re kidding me, Gino! You mean women aren’t always forthcoming with the straight truth about why they’re calling it quits? You mean that actually happens? Wow, man, I’m shocked!

But if other women in the past have told you that they prefer bad boys and don’t want their parents to approve of their choices, you’re running around with a bunch of nutcases. Dude, are you picking up girls when the Jerry Springer Show lets out? Or are you handing out tickets to the wackos going in?

To you Psych majors, good girls who are raised properly by good parents WANT to make sure their parents LOVE the new boyfriend. Honest.

Pal, of course all these excuses are just Womanese for your ex-girlfriends’ low Interest Level in you! Because you’re history, aren’t you? Think about what you’re saying here. Girls don’t want their parents to like their boyfriends? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re attacking the family unit, my son, and you shouldn’t do that.”

I’m sure parents like you, Gino. And their daughters like you, too -- for a little while. But take my word for it, it’s strictly coincidence that when you meet the folks everything falls apart. The only thing really falling apart was the girls’ Interest Level, as it did a nosedive from 95% to 45%. So these poor parents aren’t your problem. The problem is YOU – you lower Interest Level. Her mother and father didn’t lower Interest Level, you did.

My book hasn’t opened your eyes all the way yet, Gino. Unfortunately, it’s opened only half of one eye. Which means you haven’t spent enough time with it. You need to read it again and again until the deeper truths of my principals sink into your mind.

Why don’t you act like the guys who have women around them all the time? I’ll tell you why. Because instead of imitating Cary Grant, you end up making these poor girls your mama or your psychiatrist, like all the other guys who screw up. But don’t feel bad, man. You’re not alone. You’ve got tons of company out there.

So to sum it all up, you don’t have a “parents problem.” You’ve got a problem keeping a girl’s Interest Level in the nineties. But memorize my techniques, and you’ll enter the Promised Land with a smiling face.

Remember, guys: when something goes wrong, it’s usually your fault.

To send me your love questions, listen to my INTERNET TALK RADIO SHOW, or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

© Copyright 2005 DocLove DotCom, Inc.

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Would Hugh Grant Ever Tell Her All About His Past?

Check out this great article from

Waldo & Doc Love
Would Hugh Grant Ever Tell Her All About His Past?
By Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I am a 36-year-old, well-educated, happy and successful dude. I am also well-groomed and well-preserved and am thought of as a guy who has his game together. I love your material, and the fact that you are always making sure us guys are being careful at the same time that we’re enjoying the journey.

I just got out of a two-year relationship – and of course she left me! After reading your thoughts on being on the rebound and emotional baggage, I should have seen the “red flags” much earlier!

Anyway, I am back on the love hunt and need some help. I just went on a second date with a 31-year-old “Caprice” after a very successful first date (on which I waited five days to call, made a quick call to set up a Starbucks meeting, no touching, though she touched me several times, kept it to 45 minutes, etc.). She even e-mailed me that night to thank me for a great time.

On the second date I picked Caprice up and took her to dinner, and everything was going great -- until I opened my yap! She asked me a personal question about a past relationship. Nothing too heavy, just “So, what was your longest relationship?” So I thought I’d have some fun with it, and told her she needed to show me a sign of good faith. I proceeded in a very light and funny way to say that if she kissed me on the cheek, I MIGHT tell her. Man, did I think that was smooth! But right away her whole attitude changed, to very closed-off. She even folded her arms at dinner! She told me I should be more open since she was being open with me, and blah blah blah.

Well, I was able to steer the date somewhat back on track after a bit (but still did not answer her question). I dropped her off at her place and tried to give her the “what the hell” kiss. She then leaned over and kissed both my cheeks and whispered, “Okay, there are your kisses, and next date you owe me my answers!”

I smiled, grabbed her by the back of the head, and laid a deep, long one on her. She smiled, with her eyes still closed, and then I walked off. What do you think of my genius move after she kissed my cheeks? Do you think she is worth the all-important third date, or was her immediate closed-off response to my cute cheek-kiss question not that of a Flexible Giver? Anyway, lay it on me, Doc!

Sheppard - who wants to know if he has a tiger by the tail

Hi Sheppard,

Hey, why are you “well-preserved” at only 36? I thought well-preserved went with being 86 and having one foot in the grave. Are you sure you’re really 36 years young?

You mentioned that I want you guys “enjoying the journey.” Man, I couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s the most beautiful sentence in your letter. Guys, you have to enjoy yourselves when you’re out there dating, and you have to study my book not only because you want to get the girl, but because it is the TRUTH. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, the truth will lead you to do some great, great things, if you’ll just let them happen.”

Regarding your ex, Sheppard, I’ll bet you did see those big red flags early on, but like most men you decided to look away, and you rationalized them on account of your high Interest Level. But slowly those ugly red flags chipped away at your level of respect and the end was inevitable – like it always is.

My friend, you did everything right on your first date with Caprice. I’m proud of you. When she e-mailed you to thank you for a great time, that was an indication of high Interest Level. Her gesture was above and beyond the call of duty. So your Caprice was okay after date number one – she showed some traits of being a keeper. But you have a long, long way to go. Like my cousin General Love says, “It will be easier to get Hannibal’s elephants over the Alps than it will be to get this woman to nine dates!”

I’m glad you realize that loose lips sink ships. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love likes to put it, “The problem with every guy is that he opens his yap!” To you Psych majors, once a girl likes you, you should never talk again. It doesn’t raise Interest Level, which is all you should be concerned with.

Caprice probes you about a past relationship and it’s “nothing too heavy?” Dude, this is very, very heavy. This gal didn’t bring a BB gun to dinner, she brought a howitzer! Do you need glasses, Sheppard? Remember, when they start with the heavy questions, you’ve got to channel Jim Carrey or Robin Williams on the spot.

Making Caprice kiss you on the cheek as payment for your background information was a very gutsy move. I happen to think it’s too strong for the second time out, but I’ll give you a top grade for closing. At least you had the guts to go for it.

Know why Caprice’s attitude went south? Because she didn’t want to play. Her interview was more important to her than falling in love with you. She had her agenda, and she was going follow it come hell or high water. Like Johnny down at the Shell station, she hauled out her list of “to-dos” – check the tires, oil, air filter, transmission fluid, etc. What she did, really, was give you an indirect ultimatum. And when you didn’t capitulate to it, everything changed -- her body language, her attitude, everything -- just because she didn’t want to play. Caprice doesn’t want to be loved. Her agenda – dragging up all of your past romantic disasters right then and there -- was the most important thing to her, and if it takes any longer than right now, then she’s out of there. Wow, does she sound like a blast!

But good for you, Sheppard, that you didn’t go along with it. Ninety-nine percent of all guys would have caved on the spot and sold out their manhood.

I have to hand it to you, guy. Going for the “what the hell kiss” shows that you’re a winner. You get an “A” in LIPS. You might be doing some stuff wrong here and there, but when it comes to LIPS, you’re aces.

When Caprice mentioned your next date, you should have growled, “Hey, sweetheart, aren’t you’re being just a little too confident here,” just like Robert Mitchum would have, then flashed your best boyish smile. When you laid the deep long one on her, you showed again what you’re made of. Most guys don’t have cojones, they’re shrinking violets in the presence of these 110-pound sticks of dynamite called females, but you’ve got the opposite problem. I want to tone you down a little bit. But I dig that you walked off into the night just like Humphrey Bogart.

Your genius move worked, Sheppard. But what we don’t know is whether Caprice is Flexible, and, therefore, a keeper. She wanted hard answers to her interview, so you’re up there in terms of her Interest Level. But I didn’t like her pouting – it shows that she’s inflexible. Every time you two disagree on something in the future, she’s going to pout. And don’t forget, this was only date number two. When she starts laying on the guilt and pressure over the big stuff – money, kids, in-laws –you’re going to feel it like a rat being suffocated by a boa constrictor. Man, do you really want that for the next 45 years? That’s what “The System” is about: preventing half a century of mystery when you’re stuck with the same woman. Guys, can you imagine?

So what you’re going to do, Sheppard, is not answer Caprice’s questions. You’re going to come up with “funnies.” When she says to you, “So, what was your longest relationship,” you’re going to say, “I’m still in it. I’ve been going with this girl for four years.” And when her beautiful violet eyes widen and she demands, “Well, what are you doing with me, then,” you’ll say “I’m looking for a replacement. I need some backup. That’s why I’m interviewing you.”

Fellas, like the great Zen masters you have to learn to be detached. Being joined at the hip forever doesn’t work.

Remember, guys: you gotta go for the kiss.

To send me your love questions, LISTEN TO MY CALL-IN TALK SHOW, or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

© Copyright 2005 DocLove DotCom, Inc.

© Copyright 2004 Network a MAXM Media Company

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6 Secrets To Meet More Dates Online

Stop Getting Dumped
6 Secrets To Meet More Dates Online
By Lisa Daily

6 Secrets To Meet More Dates Online

By now you know that online dating is by far the most popular and easiest way to meet someone fabulous. And even if you work the swing shift, only date junk food addicts or are looking for someone who shares your adoration of Desperate Housewives and Sex Inspectors, it's easier than ever to find your perfect match. Not having as much luck as you'd like? Lucky for you, upping your odds of finding your dream date online is as easy as microwaving a bag of popcorn - just follow these 6 simple tips:

1) Post a photo, even if you think you look like Quasimoto
The first thing you should know is that profiles with photos get eight times the response. Why? Nobody, but nobody, wants to end up with whatever is lurking behind door number three. Here's an interesting little factoid from Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, authors of Freakonomics (William Morrow, 2005): "A low-income, poorly-educated, unhappily employed, not-very-attractive slightly overweight and balding man who posts his photo stands a better chance at gleaning some emails than a man who says he makes $200,000 a year and is deadly handsome but doesn't post a photo." The lesson? Post a photo - even if it's a quickie that you intend to take down later and replace with something else. Don't wait until you lose twenty pounds. Don't wait until the Rogaine kicks! in. Post your photo today - even if it's not perfect, it's sure a lot better than nothing.

2) The absolute best thing you can say on your profile
While it's important not to lie, it's also important to know what's working for you:
According to Freakonomics,
The biggest advantages a man can have? High income.
The biggest advantages a woman can have? Beauty. And blonde hair.

And while good looks are important to both sexes, beauty is most certainly in the eye of the beholder. Don't worry about trying to be something you're not. It's most important to feel good about who you are -- everybody looks great to somebody.

3) The Color Most Likely To Snag You A Date
It's red. When we see red, our hearts beat a little faster and we get a sensation that mimics attraction. So, if you want to crank up the attention-getting level with your online photo, it's a good idea to either use a red background for your main photo, or wear something red. Remember, red makes everybody hot. It works in person too, so be sure to wear at least a little red on your first "in-person" date.

4) Email, Texting and IMs, Oh my!
First, you want to keep in mind that the purpose of emailing a potential date is flirting. Keep the conversation fairly light, just like you would on a first date. It's usually best to avoid hot-button subjects like politics, abortion and gun control until after you know each other a bit better. Also, it's never a good idea to use an email relationship as a cheap alternative to therapy. Don't complain about your parade of exes and how the opposite sex is out to get you. (If you feel that way, you need to take a little dating sabbatical and get some real therapy before you wade back in to the dating pool) It's also a good idea to keep your email contact balanced - try to match them one-for-one. In other words, don't send four emails to his one. You'll come off as being a bit overzealous.

5) When to cut your losses
Most people email for about three weeks before initiating a personal meeting. If it's been more than two months and you haven't met yet, odds are you never will. (And there's usually a good reason for that: maybe your online sweetie is married, confined to his rec room wearing one of those prison-issue ankle bracelets, or is, hmm, otherwise unavailable.) Unless you're just looking for a pen pal, you might want to chalk this one up to experience and move on.

6) Stage A Safe Meeting
Never (EVER! ) give your personal information out to a stranger. And, even though you might feel like you know someone pretty well based on an email or telephone relationship, it's important to remember that you don't really know them. Which means you should take precautions.

First, always meet in a public place. Next, be sure to tell a friend where you're going and who'll you be with. Always be sure drive yourself home. Last, take your cell phone and keep it with you at all times.

Have fun and follow these six simple tips - your inbox will be jammed in no time flat.

Dating Expert Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and HITCH: On The Set
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of
man-snagging techniques, at

© 2005 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Taking it further

On to the Phone

The next step is when you start calling each other. Same thing with the e-mail, don’t bombard the person with calls and txt messages all day long. If you’ve enjoyed a conversation on the phone, send a txt message the next day to say you had a good time talking.

It’s not too difficult from here to gauge the level of interest a person has from you. If you receive a txt message or phone call once a day or once in two days, its safe to say the person calling/messaging is interested. In that case, you can call/message a fair bit as well. Common sense should dictate how much is too much here. Just watch those phone bills.

If you go a week without hearing from them, I would suggest cutting your losses. Again, send them a txt message or e-mail first suggesting that you stop contacting each other. If you get no response then leave it at that. If the person does want to stay in contact then he or she will get back to you.

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Sunday, July 17, 2005


E-mail Frenzy

So you’ve met someone you get along with and who seems to enjoy chatting to you as well. The natural line of progression here is to move from messaging on the site itself to mailing from your own personal e-mail.

The whole e-mail thing is important in the sense that you’re really beginning to talk about yourself and open up. And as always, there’s certain protocol to observe. Keep in mind you don’t want to look desperate and over the top. One or two e-mail a day sounds about right. There’s really no limit as to how much you should send, providing you are receiving replies to them. Its easy to slip into the whole e-mailing thing when you’re both bored at work and have nothing else better to do at your computers. That’s fun and safe (just make sure your boss doesn’t catch you at it).

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Sunday, June 12, 2005


Tell the truth
There's really no point in telling somebody that you're tall, tanned and toned if in reality, you're more average height, pale and allergic to the gym.

Sure we would all like to come across as being super-gorgeous but let's not forget that online dating, like dating in 'real' life, requires honesty. If you wouldn't lie or put up with lying in other aspects of your life, why start with someone you meet online?

Dont forget if your looking for more than just an "online friend" you might end up meeting this person so it pays to be honest from the start. If your honest then when you do meet up with someone it will be a far better experience with no surprises.

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You wouldn't rush into buying a really expensive dress or plasma television without first giving it some (or at least a little) consideration. So don’t rush into meeting up with someone you have met online. Sure, you may seem to get along exceptionally well, but take the time, and opportunity to get to know whoever your interested in.

A majority of daters have to actually date someone in order to get to know them. With Internet / online dating, you can do all the get-to-knowing (or a fair bit of it) before the date. At least you’ll know you can have a good conversation without those embarrassing silent gaps when you run out of bits and pieces to talk about.

Keep in mind if the person you’re interested in is not willing to get to know you first, or tries to pressure you into meeting straight away, then they probably aren’t worth meeting up with in the first place. Trust your instincts and do what makes you feel comfortable

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First date tips - make it a success

Wear what you feel comfortable in

The most important thing to keep in mind when dressing for a date is to wear what you're comfortable in. There's no point in wearing four-inch stilettoes if you're hardly able to stand, much less walk in them. The same thing applies to the guys as well; don't get all suited up if you hate wearing suits.

Dress nicely

Dressing nicely doesn't mean you can't be relaxed and comfortable. The main reason you dress up a little (or a lot, depending on the date itself) is so your date will know and appreciate that you've made the effort for him/her. Another good reason is so that you don't appear to be a slob. Its just not a good look. This includes the seemingly ever-present thong/g-string above jeans/trousers. I don't care that celebrities do it. They too get panned by the gossip magazines when they appear in public in such a manner so you know its just not the way to go.

Dress appropriately

If you can, always find out where the meeting will take place. The majority of places will be alright with just jeans/trousers for both men and women or even a casual skirt/dress for the women. If you do plan on meeting at a slightly dressier venue, a long-sleeved collared shirt is a safe bet with jeans or trousers for men and the women should be able to get away with a skirt/trousers with a pretty top or a dress with good accessories. Fashion today has come a long way so even jeans can be worn to dressier affairs. Just dress them up a little with a glam or sparkly top, killer shoes, a great handbag and accessories.

Don't over-do it

Over-dressing is as bad as under-dressing, if not worse. With men, its harder to over-dress than with women. I doubt there are many men ho would willingly always wear a three-piece suit when going on a date, unless its a business meeting (and definitely not date-worthy) or a very formal show/dinner. With women however, there is a tendency to go overboard with clothes, accessories and makeup. Unless you're off to the casino or a Mardi Gras, is a safe bet that your gorgeous sequin cocktail number is out of the question. especially when you decide to pair it off with earrings, bracelets, rings and necklaces. For something that glitzy, stick to a simple pair of earrings and maybe a bracelet/bangle. The same goes when you're wearing a sparkly top. you want your date to see you, not to be overwhelmed by all that bling.

Letting it all hang out

To sum up that statement in one word; DON'T. I know when the weather's nice and warm that its all too tempting to wear that thigh-skimming mini with an itsy-bitsy top and skyscraper heels. But please refrain from doing so. All that outfit screams is "easy". And that's not what you ant your date to think. Unless of course it is, in which case you may as well ignore this paragraph. When it comes to legs, breasts, stomach and back, stick to just showing off one, or at the most two, of these. Any more than that is over-kill. If you have a date at the beach then this rule is moot point. As for the men, the buttons are on your shirt for a reason, the ladies don't want to see halfway down to your belly-button. Neither do they want a view of your entire chest and stomach through a transparent shirt.

Too much makeup

This one applies mostly to the ladies. You know how you're shopping and you find this amazing dress/top/skirt/etc. and it's got streaks of makeup from someone else who had previously tried it on? Now think about how the men feel when they find streaks of foundation on their shirts. okay, so you can wash it off easily. But that's not the point. The idea that the girl had been wearing that much makeup is a turn off for most guys. Not to mention how the lady in question actually looks when her face is caked in such a fashion. Yes, it is noticeable. But other than not using so much foundation and powder, you have to also keep the rest of it simple. You either highlight your eyes or your lips, not both. The whole Marilyn Manson/drag queen look will not win you any favours.

Wear the right shoes

You'd think this is an obvious one but surprisingly, it isn't. I don't just mean the right shoe for the occasion, though that is very important. I mean the shoe that suits your shape and what you're wearing. For the men, you can generally get away with a loafer or sneakers if you're wearing jeans. If you've got on trousers, just stick to a pair of loafers or even dressier shoes if you're somewhere a little more up-market. Day-time footwear can be more casual, try a nice pair of sandals or flip-flops. Leather ones look especially good with light-coloured cotton or linen trousers.

Women have a wider choice when it comes to shoes. First of all, wear shoes that suit your figure. If you have slighter shorter legs, don't go wearing sandals with ankle-straps. They will only 'cut' your legs, making them look a lot shorter and chunkier than they are. The same applies to wrap-around sandal-laces. This sort of shape also looks best with a shoe that has a bit of a heel. Even if you're off to the beach, choose one those thongs with the slight kitten heel. Its low enough to be practical but still flattering. For the taller women, you can get away with nearly everything. Just keep in mind that your centre of gravity is a lot higher up with high heels.

As for the occasions, save the bejeweled sandals for a night out on the town. If you're a bit of a 'Carrie' dresser then carefully pair you girly and sparkly sandals with a more laid back day outfit. It can work but just keep in mind that the day time isn't when you should go over-the-top. It goes without saying that you don't want too much height in your shoes if you're going to the beach or if you're going to be walking a lot. Painful feet do not, a great date make. And no grotty thongs or sneakers when you're dressed to party. You can never look right if your shoes are all wrong.

Have a good posture

I know this may have nothing to do with the clothes you wear but it is important to always have a good posture. Stand up straight with your shoulders back, tummy and butt tucked in. Not only is this good for you from a health perspective, it also makes you look taller, slimmer and more confident. Plus your clothes will also look a lot better on you.

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Online Dating Safety

One of the ways to practice safe internet dating is to not blindly meet up with anyone you’ve not been chatting to for some time. In this instance, it is not easy to be 100% sure that everything you’ve been told is the truth. Quite often, you’ll have to go with your gut.
You could assume that the people who’d rather take their time before meeting are ‘safer’ but it may not always be the case.

Because of this, always make sure you inform a friend or relative about your date. Give them the details such as whom you’re meeting, where you’re meeting and a rough time as to when you’ll be home. And always call when you do get home safely.

You could also try arrange for the meeting to take place in a group, or have one of your friends with each of you. However, if you feel awkward about it, it’s okay to meet up one on one. Another good thing to keep in mind is to arrange to meet your date at a busy public area that’s well lit. With the abundance of coffee joints nowadays, this shouldn’t be hard to do at all.

If you do meet up at night, try make it an early date if you plan on catching public transport; you don’t want to miss that last bus/train though you still have the option of a cab. True, your date may be able to send you home but remember that this may be a date with whom you’d rather not see again. In which case, it’s better if they not know where you live.

If you are planning on driving, don’t drink. In fact, try not to get inebriated on your first date at all. Firstly, if you’re driving, you may get into an accident or get pulled over. Secondly, you may behave in a really embarrassing manner and ruin what could have been a good shot at a relationship. Thirdly, and this applies more to the women, there is still such a thing as date rape. And fourthly, you don’t want to wind up in bed with someone you’d rather not have just because you were drunk.

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Back to basics - Fashion tips for Men and Women

When you're on a date, you're out to make an impression. Needless to say, its a good impression that you're trying to make. So you want to look your best, but looking your best (without actually looking like you've been trying to hard to look your best) isn't always the easiest thing to do. You've got grooming, accessorising, clothing, etc. There are actually some simple basics that you can always fall back on, no matter what the occasion and where the venue.

The Basics

Basics are the staple of any wardrobe. They are the clothes that you add on to, to build a whole new look. Usually, these items are timeless, so all a person has to do is buy the occasional new and trendy item to make an outfit look more current.

The amount of basics you have should depend on where you live, what your interests are, etc. For instance, if where you live is always warm, there's not much point in having a wool coat, not unless you travel to colder climates. And a vast array of shorts and tank tops are useless if most of the year is spent under 25 degrees celcius.

I'm going to make two different lists of closet staples; one for men and the other for women. And even though I say staples, by no means does this actually make for a short list. in fact, its pretty long.


Men actually have an easier time when it comes to the basics. So long as the items are easy enough to co-ordinate, most of the clothes will be able to be mixed and matched for both day and night wear, dressy and casual. no male wardrobe should be without:

  • A few good T-shirts, either with prints or in a solid colour. These can't be too baggy or too loose.

  • A few polo T-shirts (the ones with a collar and 2 or 3 buttons at the top) and the fit is the same as with regular T-shirts.

  • At least 2 or 3 white cotton dress shirts (that's work shirts) and some in other colours/patterns. These should not be too long at the sleeves and too 'slopppy' at the shoulders.

  • Trousers in black, khaki/beige, cream/white/off-white. Any fabric is fine, just avoid full polyester and chunky corduroys. Cotton or linen is good, expecially for summer.

  • Dark and light jeans. Avoid the 80's stone-washed and acid-washed jeans. Vintage-washes suit most guys. Also, keep in mind that leg-hugging 'drainpipe' jeans will never, EVER look good on a man.

  • Knee-length shorts (boardies in Australia) are always good for hot days. Have a few pairs for swimming and some in cotton/linen for going out during the day. Good colours to have are mainly neutrals though a pair of bright-coloured shorts can look good with a plain top.

  • A good suit. At least one, if nothing else. Cuts, colours and fabric may vary, that depends on what you like. The jacket can be worn as a blazer with jeans or trousers and the suit pants can be worn more casually without the jacket.

  • A denim jacket. Or even a leather one. The more worn, the better.

  • A coat, preferably in wool or a wool-mix for winter.

  • A selection of ties

  • A few belts. Leather ones for work/dressier occasions and cloth/canves belts for casual wear. You can be creative with your casual belts, they're a good way of injecting some colour into an outfit.

  • White socks for sports and black/dark ones for dressing up.

  • A good pair of sports shoes. Choose one that's made for the sport you do as they all offer different types and degrees of suppport.

  • Dressy black leather shoes. These are the sort you can wear to work and for formal occasions.

  • Smart loafers. Brown or tan are popular colours and will go with practically anything. Suede loafers are particularly nice but its not an easy fabric to take care of.

  • Sandals are practical for hot days and when you need to be a little dressed up. You can go for the conventional leather type or the funky sporty designs.

  • Slip-ons or flip-flops (thongs to the Aussies) are a staple. Excellent for the beach or dressing down an outfit.


Needless to say, a woman's closet will always be more extensive than that of her male counterpart. After all, you've got all the skirts, dresses, jewelery, tops, etc. For all of these mentioned, the very basic of colours are black, white and beige/cream. These are the foundations that you build on and add more colour, texture and patterns. Tht doesn't mean your basic wardrobe can't contain any colour. by all means, have as much colour as you want. Just make sure it suits you and avoid flouros. And now, to get down to the nitty-gritty. As any self-respecting woman, you'll need:

  • Fitted T-shirts, singlets, strappy tops, strapless tops, halter tops, polo T-shirts in your basic 3 colours, along with other colours and patterns that will easily match up with other items in your closet. Some of these will have a V-neck and some a round neck. Either one is alright, it depends on what you like. V-necks do generally emphasize your bust so if you want attention drawn to that area, V's the way to go.

  • A few good sweaters (for the cold season); a fine knit or bulky cable look great with nearly everything.

  • A pretty camisole top that you can dress up or down. Good details to have are lace, satin, beading or sequins. not all at once of course.

  • A glam top for nights out on the town. Perfect for jazzing up a pair of jeans.

  • Jeans are the news girl's best friend. Not just for lazing around, these are a MUST have. Choose a wash you like but keep in mind that darker shades will flatter women on the heavier side. Getting the right cut is also important. Tall slim women can pretty much get away with any cut, though the cool-again skinny-leg jeans will make their legs look like they go on forever. The boot-cut is good for women who want to draw attention away from their hips. The regular straight-cut suits most shapes. Always try on jeans before buying them and make sure they are neither too short nor too long. You want to be able to wear heels or flats with them.

  • Structured or tailored shorts can look smart with the right top.

  • Denim or cotton shorts for very casual wear.

  • Trousers. Any fabric will do, so long as they fit well. This will be good for both warm and cool seasons. A few pairs should have a corporate, office look and another 1 or 2 can be casual. Again, these 3 basic colours apply.

  • A denim mini will see you through anything. The length is up to you. Don't go too short as it just looks cheap but try keep it at least an inch or so above your knee.

  • A pencil skirt in a nice fabric can work for the office, for chilling with friends in the daytime or dressed up for a hot date.

  • A longer skirt that falls in soft folds. Cotton is a good option for this. You could also have a darker-coloured one in a more 'dressed up' fabric for night-wear. Details that makes this special are pleats, beading, embroidery and assymetrical lines.

  • The timeless LBD, or little black dress.

  • A casual day dress that can double for night with proper accessorising.

  • A denim jacket it in style that suits you.

  • A blazer that will work for day and night.

  • A coat for the cold. Double or single-breasted is up to you. These can be in whatever colour you wish, but a good basic is black as it doesn't show up the dirt.

  • A pair of proper sports shoes

  • A pair of covered high-heels in your basic colours.

  • Sandals in a lighter shade though again, the basic colours appply here. Red is a good way to inject some colour as it doesn't 'date'.

  • A pair of kitten heels; ideal for when you don't want too much height.

  • Slip-ons and flip-flops (or thongs).

  • Boots for winter. Ankle boots may sometimes be trendy but stay clear if you're legs are not on the longer side. Also try not to go too high up. Anything above the knee just screams hooker.

  • Belts, handbags, scarves, hats, brooches, necklaces, earrings, rings and bracelets/bangles are all good for dressing up an outfit and for changing your entire look. Just don't go too crazy and wear them all at once.

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Dating Profile Photos

Nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING, is more annoying than reading a profile and not being able to see an actual photo. The description, “6’0, muscular, blonde, blue eyes, great smile” sounds wonderful but hey, that’s too generic. At least ten Hollywood actors would have that description and there’s nothing to tell the guy apart from the other, although you could assume that they’d all look pretty hot anyway.

Same thing goes for the women. You could line up 20 random women who all could be described as, “slim, tanned, brunette, brown eyes, cheeky smile” and none of them would look alike.

The worst thing you could do for yourself is to not have a good photo on your page. For one, how are other people to know if that description is really you? Remember that old saying, “a picture is worth a thousand words” and you don’t really want to have to write that many words illustrating what you look like.

While you’re putting a picture up, try making it one that’s clear and recent. You don’t have to get some airbrushed studio close-up. People do want to see the real you. One that shows off your face and maybe another with your whole profile would help a lot. That way, people will be able to see your face and your figure. To be very crude about it, people do want to see what they’re getting.

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First Date Fixes

You saw, you contacted, you talked and now finally, you're meeting up. i think there's essentially two types of first dates. The former is when you decide to get to know each other over the date itself. I really wouldn't recommend this form of date with anyone as it could just be a recipe for disaster. The second type of date is where you get to know the other person BETTER. Which is how it should be.

So what's the big deal with all this first date stuff? Quite a big deal, actually. Were you go, what you do, who pays, what you say; it all adds up to either make or break a potential relationship. So how does one navigate the murky waters of this rather crucial time? While there are no failsafe plans, there are some measures you can employ to ensure a more enjoyable time for the both of you.

Location, location, location

Where you go is the first step in this crazy dance of courtship. Remember that just because you find something utterly enjoyable doesn't mean your date will feel the same way. The most basic choice is a meal or even coffee. Even then, check to make sure if your date is okay with your choice of restaurant. Its horrendously embarrassing when you take him/her to a great grill if he/she is a vegetarian. And not everyone loves spicy Indian/Thai/Moroccan/etc. And don't you dare make your way to a fast food joint. McDonald's, KFC, Burger King, Pizza Hut, etc. are ALL out.

From your frequent chats, and I certainly hope there has been a fair bit of chatting, you should be able to ascertain each other's likes and dislikes when it comes to food and other interests. if you'd rather meet up at a bar/lounge or coffee joint, do pick a nice, slightly more up-market one. I know it may seen crazy to pay (insert appropriate currency and gourmet coffee price) for a cup of coffee when you can make the same at home for under a dollar/pound/whatever. But remember you're also paying for the service, the ambience and let's face it, you're paying for the other person to be impressed.

Use you knowledge of your date's interests to pick a good place for a date. If you both share an interest in art, visit a gallery or go to an art museum. if the both of your like a certain sport, go see that. If you're unsure, ask your date where he/she would like to go. There's no rule that says it has to be a surprise. And I'm sure most women would prefer knowing where they're going, so that they can choose what to wear. And once you're both there, relax and enjoy yourselves.

To pay or not to pay

I will freely admit that this is a tricky one, and it is really up to you. However, I would suggest this little formula: guy goes to pay, woman offers to pay her share, guy politely declines and woman graciously thanks him, saying the next one is on her. This little scenario can also be played the other way around. the great thing about how this works is that you also put across your interest in another date while also looking like you're independent enough to be able to pay.

If you happen to be going for a meal and movie, you can pay for one and your date pay for the other. Again, there's no hard and fast rule. Or you could both go Dutch. Just don't ask the other person to pay their share if they have not said anything about it. But should you have a few dates and he/she never offers to pay, may I suggest saying something to them.

You are what you wear

I've talked about clothes often enough, and I can't begin to stress how important they are. You really want to make some effort here. Remember to dress for the occasion. If in doubt a nice dress or skirt and top is a safe bet for women and good jeans or trousers with a shirt is okay for guys. That alone will see you through most dates. For women, skimpy clothing is really not advised. You may look hot in a top cut down to there, a skirt cut up to there and accident-inducing platforms, but save it for a night out with the girls. At least they won't get the wrong idea. As for the men, dress neatly, avoid loud Hawaiian shirts and keep your checked trousers for the golf-course. If in doubt of what to wear, refer to my article called "Back to Basics" and that should give you an idea of what you should wear.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

So some of you may not be a Christian or maybe you don't even have a religion. That has nothing to do with this. What has, is that you don't show up for your date without being properly groomed. And the basic for all grooming is a shower. If you really haven't time for a shower (and for those who are meeting up straight after work, you probably won't), at least being your perfume/deodorant and maybe try brushing your teeth. Depending on the sort of work you do, you should be decent enough for dinner or drinks. However, if your job demands a more physical and hands-on approach, try scheduling a later date and head off home first.

The ex-factor

You would probably have mentioned your ex during the conversations you've had on the computer or phone. But unless asked, do not mention him/her on your date. Especially do not say how wonderful or good-looking or talented or smart, or rich he/she was. there will come a time, if you haven't already, discussed your exes with each other. If you have, then great, there's no need to bring it up again. If you haven't, now's not the time. How would you like it if your date sat there regaling you with little stories of how they loved certain aspects of their exes? If you're tempted to bring it up, remember that he/she is an ex and, unless is still on friendly terms with you, is no longer a pertinent part of your life.

Take me home

I know its very tempting, but do not go home with each other after your first date. All of us know how that will end, and though the thought of it sends delicious thrills up and down your spine, resist the urge. If you've clicked sufficiently to feel this way, I think you can safely assume that you'll be seeing more of each other. In which case, wait a little before you jump into bed, or whatever else is handy at the time. Walk around, hold hands, kiss like there's no tomorrow on a park bench, if you have to. Just draw that one line. Besides, prolonging what you both know will happen can sometimes have it's rewards. Think about it; by the time you've had your fifth date or so and you're finally about to go home together, you'll both be wound up like a spring with sexual tension. And that, adds a lot to sex. See it along the lines of spontaneous combustion.

The games we play

Now, assuming your first date goes well, there will be date number two, three and so on so forth. But what happens when the date doesn't turn out as well as you had hoped? Do you tell him/her or do you say nothing? This is a tough one. Providing he/she was also as disinterested as you, chances are your date may get a little hurt if you decide you didn't have a good time. In this case there are two options open to you. You can either put it down to nerves and try have a second date and see how that pans out, or you could just call it quits.

The latter brings up more options, i.e. how to tell him/her that you'd rather not see them anymore. the best way is to be honest, though that dos not necessarily mean be blunt. There is a nice way of saying things, maybe along the lines of, "I had a good time but I don't see this progressing any further, etc". You can choose to remain friends or not. Sometimes the date may have been a disaster as far as romance is concerned but otherwise, you had a great time. In that case, I's say stick with it. Just make sure that you tell your date not to expect things to go further, leading people on isn't something you should ever do.

Eat, drink and be merry

When you go out on a dinner date, you're expected to eat something. From what I've seen, many women tend to stick to salads or other light meals when out on a date, especially on a first date. News flash; men don't think that women never eat. In fact, I have it on good authority that men very much prefer a woman with a good appetite. It usually bodes well for a healthy appetite in 'other' areas. Besides, when women pick at their food, the only message they send out is that they're picky, overly concerned with their image (and therefore perhaps a little superficial), unhealthy and difficult overall. Don't think you have to eat more than the guy, just have a good healthy meal. A salad can be a good choice if you have one with meat or seafood in it. And don't hold the dressing either. For men, its probably the opposite. Ribs are scrumptious but they can get everywhere so maybe having a dish that goes from your plate, to your fork or spoon, to your mouth is a good idea. Spilling food all over yourself isn't going to win you any points. And I know this is stating the obvious, but never speak with your mouth full or chew with your mouth open.

Drinking is usually part and parcel of a dinner date. Or even meeting at a lounge. But drink in moderation, you don't want to be falling over in your drunken state. Neither do you want to say something potentially stupid and embarrassing. Foolishness aside, keep in mind this isn't someone you know very well. And they don't know you well either. You don't want to give them the impression that you normally get that drunk and behave in such a manner.

A simple life

I know that on a first date, you're out to impress. But that doesn't mean having to shell out on something ridiculously extravagant. Sometimes the simplest things can be the most fun. Take a walk on the beach or in a park, go on one of those tour busses, go to a drive-in movie, visit the bowling alley, etc. If the city you live in offers rides in horse-drawn carriages then try it. Visit a fun fair if there's one near you. Maybe go to the zoo. These things may seem a little simple and even childish, but there's a sense of innocence and fun associated with them.

Just let go

Perhaps the most important thing on a first date is to not build your expectations. And don't tell yourself it's going to be a waste of time either. In fact, go with an open mind and the readiness to have a laugh. Don't take it too seriously, you don't have to come across as perfect and you shouldn't get upset if your date isn't perfect either. Be yourself, just a polite version of yourself. If you decide that you just want to have a good time, enjoy a meal or movie, have pleasant conversation and be able to laugh, then you won't have any worries at all. So long as your outlook is positive, you will enjoy yourself and the date.

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Online Dating "to nude or not to nude"

While some say that Internet dating is a lot easier and in some way, more liberating than dating in ‘real’ life, it doesn’t give you the carté blanche to dispense with all social graces.

Being uninhibited while getting to know someone online is a good thing. Too much of not being inhibited however, is not. I’m not saying you should be too rigid with what you say and how you say it, though of course you shouldn’t punctuate every third word with swearing, but keep in mind that not everyone wants to see nude photos of you. And in particular, close-ups of nude bits.

It really is off-putting when someone you’ve never even chatted to sends you a photo of him or herself butt-naked. It’s even worse when there’s no full picture of them, just a very tight close-up. Yes, I have a problem with those close-ups and I don’t think I’m alone in this.

The message you send people is not a very good one and to be honest, people are less likely to keep you in mind as a person they could go out with. The idea they’ll get is that half the site will probably have seen you sans clothes and you can’t really be worth it.

Of course, if all you’re interested in is a quick shag with some random then you’re definitely going down the right path. If that’s the case, just state in our profile (you usually will be given the option for this) that you’re only after some casual fun and with the ‘right’ pictures, you can be guaranteed a huge response. But again, for the sake of the ‘serious’ daters, try not inundate everyone with your photos.

That doesn’t mean no nude shots at all. Basically, keep them off your profile and don’t just send them out to anyone who takes your fancy. If someone does make a request (and they’ll get an idea from you’re written profile as to what you’re looking for) then by all means, exchange those photos. But while you’re happily doing that, just keep in mind that these very same photos can very easily be downloaded onto their computer and uploaded onto some unknown Internet site.

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How to write a good dating profile

You know that feeling when you’re trying to apply for a job and you’re trying to make your resume look good? Ditto with creating an online profile of yourself. In the world of internet dating, your profile is your resume.

You should make clear what it is you’re looking for. Some people actually join internet dating sites for the sole purpose of making friends. Others have only no-strings-attached sex. The majority will have the idea of dating or relationships in mind. You make it a lot easier for yourself and others by stating your expectations.

You’re trying to sell yourself on all your good points here so go ahead and be informative. But like with a job interview, don’t just gloss over points; be specific.

Let’s say you enjoy travelling and you find someone else who shares that interest. Very good. But if you enjoy backpacking and they like hitting the shops and high spots, you can be sure that the idea of touring Europe may differ somewhat. And what seemed like a good holiday idea would end up disastrous.

It’s also okay to be honest about your bad points. No one’s expecting you to be perfect (just don’t go expecting the person you meet to be perfect either) and some people might actually find your little idiosyncrasies adorable.

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The Cold Hard Truth

We all know its better to be honest with the person or even the people you're dating. After all, you'd expect the same treatment and let's face it, no one likes being lied to. But exactly how honest should you be? Is there a time when you can be too honest? Exactly how cold and how hard should you be when telling the truth?

Let's assume here that all of us are going to be perfectly honest with the people we date. We want to open up, share our lives, interests, thoughts, etc. And of course, we want the guy or woman in question to do the same. This is all well and good. Things start getting a little tricky when it comes to opinions. Again, there's really no sense in lying but what if you really think along very contradicting lines? What if, and this is more pertinent to the guys, she asks you what you think of her outfit and you hate it? Wat if one of you loves cats/dogs/fish/ferrets/iguanas and the other freaks out at the sight of them?

Not all is lost. There are some nifty little ways to maneuver your way around these conversation killers. Okay, let's be honest and call them what they are: white lies. Otherwise known too diplomats everywhere as tact and diplomacy. And while it does take some practicing to pull off convincingly, its not as hard as you'd think. Here are some scenarios and the little diffusers which you can try.

You're talking to a guy/girl and your mind's been wandering and you've not actually heard a word for the past five minutes. And they've noticed it.

You're definitely caught in this one so don't try lie your way out and say you were listening. Whatever you say, do not mention the word bored. Graciously admit that you weren't really listening and apologize. You don't want your date to think you're being overly rude. Say something along the lines of you having a lot on your mind, work or personal problems can often cause this anyway. Don't spin some outrageous yarn, keep it simple. If you did switch off because you don't feel yourself clicking, then wait for a bit and say that due to these problems, you've also been getting very little sleep and would like to excuse yourself early. Make sure you let them know you've enjoyed yourself before taking off, but add that you're not sure if you can see anything coming out of it. You can add that age old, "its not you, its me" line but its so cliched, is doubtful if its that believable anymore.

She (or he) asks what you're thinking. You're thinking of sex with her/him/someone else.

Well, if you're thinking that you'd like to hop into bed with your date, then that's great. Especially if the attraction is mutual. However, that does not give you carte blanche to just say, "yeah, I'm thinking of screwing you senseless tonight." As flattering as it may seem, in some twisted way, its incredibly tactless and will either illicit a laugh or a slap. If its a laugh, you may still have hope of having that romp but if its the latter, you can kiss your chances goodbye. But back to matters at hand, you can make up some completely fabricated thing that you were thinking of. Or if you were thinking of shagging him/her, say something like, "I was just thinking that you're very nice, I find myself very attracted to you and I was wondering if this could go somewhere if you felt the same way." Compliments never fail to help one's cause. But depending on the person, you may be able to get away with saying you'd like to have sex with them. I think most people would take it as a compliment. I said most, not all. If you're thinking of sex with someone else, its time to make up some story again. Or just say you weren't thinking of anything in particular and leave it at that. I would suggest of thinking of an excuse to leave at this point, since you're obviously no that interested in the person you're with.

You feel that he/she has crap taste in music/movies/books

This is really an easy one. Just don't say that whatever they like is pure, unadulterated shit of the first order. Simply state that you're not that keen on whatever it is and then give examples of what it is that you do like. You may suggest that they try it but don't force them. Just don't come across as being superior because that will not win you any brownie points and will most probably result in an argument.

She bought a new outfit. You absolutely hate it.

Probably the bane of every male out there. What does a man do to not get into trouble but to also ensure she doesn't wear that again? Okay, I admit, pretty tricky. We all know what women can be like when it comes to her clothes, especially a new outfit. Firstly, don't trash the outfit. Saying something like, "its interesting" or "its not bad" probably won't be enough to keep you out of trouble. You'll have to decide if you want to full-out lie on this one or if you want to go with the truth. For those of you with the balls to take the latter, but prepared for a little sulking. But butter her up as well. Tell her how gorgeous she looks in (insert other outfit) and how you love her wearing that. Then compare it with the clothes you hate and say they don't flatter her as much. Or something along those lines. If this is the first time your meeting, my suggestion is to say she looks nice after greeting her and say as little about her clothes as possible. Then pray she doesn't ask you about it.

You love dogs, she loves cats.

This is common and not that hard to get around. So long as you don't say you absolutely despise cats (or any other animal in question) you'll be fine. Most people are either more partial to cats or dogs anyway. Just treat the moggy nicely when you do meet it. Expect the same when your date meets your pet. If he or she stays as far away from it as possible and shrinks whenever it comes close, then maybe its not going to work out. While we're on this subject, when it comes to insects as pets, all bets are off.

You meet his/her friends and family for the first time and you didn't really get along very with someone close to them.

Before this molehill develops into a mountain, keep in mind that it takes time to get to know someone. Its okay if you and the cousin, or sibling, or best friend, etc didn't really get along at the first meeting. Besides, its never that easy meeting everyone else in his or her life. If asked, just say you didn't feel there was enough time and opportunity to really get to know so-and-so. If you've already decided that whoever-it-is hasn't a clue and is close-minded and judgmental, just say that you feel you have a rather different outlook compared to them. Don't sling insults, its immature and will not paint you in a good light.

You've been dating a month or so and go out for a night with the girls or boys. You get absolutely trashed and share a drunken pash with a stranger. Or, to go a step further, you have a drunken one night stand.

Don't you just hate it when this happens? Let's tackle this a step at a time. First, the kiss. I suppose that is forgivable. Not that anyone should make a habit of doing it. You haven't been dating for very long and I guess it depends on whether or not you were exclusively dating or still seeing other people. If its the latter, then all is good. If it's the former then make sure it never happens again. If you have to tell the person you're dating, make it clear to them that it was a one-off that you regret and be prepared to take steps so that you won't actually repeat it. For instance, try not drinking so much when you go out. Or make sure you have a friend who will not be getting plastered who can keep an eye on you.

Now, what happens if you wake up in bed with a stranger? Again, if you are not dating exclusively then its not so much of a problem. Though you might still want to watch the drinking as you never know who you'll wake up with and more dangerously, what you'll wake up with. If you are a 'proper' couple, explaining this one away is going to be very, very tough. Personally, I'd never accept being too drunk as an excuse. If you're going out with someone, you have a responsibility not to do anything to hurt the other person. That includes knowing when to stop drinking, especially if you know that you are liable of losing control over what you do when you are drunk. So do you tell or not? I can't answer this one for you. What would you gain in telling your partner? If you know its something that won't ever be repeated then maybe keep quiet about it. If you feel the need to come clean, be ready to accept that you're going to be in the doghouse for a fair bit of time. Things like this cause the lost of trust and that trust will have to be built up over time again. So my advice for this one is to not get into the situation in the first place. If you do, it may be best to say nothing and make sure you behave from now on.

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The Ex Factor

Here’s how it goes. You’ve been out having a great time and its now the wee hours and you’ve pretty much had one too many. You’ve spent the night flirting with all and sundry but not actually made a successful pick-up. Suddenly, THAT number of THAT person that you swore you’d never call again is looking pretty good. Or how about when you’re single, home alone, bored and desperate as all hell? Again, that pesky ex number crops up. Maybe you’re not the one who does the calling. Its just as bad when you get the infamous ‘booty call’ and you just can’t say no. So, just what is it about sex with an ex that makes it so hard to turn down? And just why should, or shouldn’t you turn the offer down.

At some point in our lives, all of us would have slept with an ex. Even I’ve done it. And I’ve got friends who are sleeping with their exes. Thinking about it, it’s actually quite an ironic thing to do. No, I’m serious. This is the person either you dumped or who dumped you. If it’s the former, then the assumption is that there was something about him/her that you couldn’t reconcile yourself to. And if it’s the latter, well then, how could they? The cheek of it! And yet, all of this goes out the window. Why?

One of the biggest attractions about an ex (and I don’t mean literally here, ladies) is the fact that they are familiar territory. We know we’re not going to find some alarming piercing, skin infection, third nipple, or whatever, on them. Plus its nice to know that you know exactly which buttons to push to get the results you want. In other words, you don’t have to think too hard about how to turn him/her on. And I guess that to a certain extent, that’s a good thing. Familiarity also means that you’re going to be more comfortable. You’re not going to suffer any body hang-ups that might crop up when you’re doing the dirty with a new partner. Although I should add that for truly incredible sex, you’ve got to leave those hang-ups at the door. They do inhibit you and that means they inhibit your pleasure. Keep in mind that this person is in a clinch with you. And believe me, most people are too happy to have someone in bed with them to care that your legs are too skinny or large, that you’ve got a bit of a belly, or anything at all. But I digress; my point was that ex sex, is familiar sex.

Sex with your ex can also sometimes mean great sex. And I mean GREAT sex. But, that is highly subjective and only applies in certain cases, as I’m sure some of you already know. And really, that’s as good a reason as any for still getting it on with your ex. If you know the sex will be mind-blowing, it’s going to be very hard to turn down. Of course, they may be times when you get so trashed that you can’t actually remember that the sex was in reality, mediocre at best. That’s why some phone networks let you bar a number in your phone from being called out for a certain period of time. And that’s also why deleting your ex’s number can be a good idea before hitting a night out on the town. You can always write it down somewhere and re-enter it the next day. If the number is stored in your brain and you never forget it, then I pray that he/she is definite awesome sex material. Before I move on, a note to all those people who supposedly broke up with their exes because the sex was crap; you know what you’re not supposed to do in this instance. And frankly, I don’t know why you would.

Perhaps the most damaging reason people sleep with exes (perhaps the only real damaging reason) is emotional attachment. I know it’s hard to move on sometimes. But in cases like this, you gave to let go. If the both of you are just as attached then maybe its time to talk things through and try work something out. Not all couples that have broken up are doomed to stay broken up. But if only one of you still loves the other then we have a problem. From what I’ve noticed, and I’m not saying that its always the case, its usually women who will still continue to have feelings for an ex after he has got over her. There are many men out there who are very sweet and understanding in these sorts of situations and do what they can to help their exes through the ‘mourning’ period. Ten to one, they’re not the ones who’ll be banging their ex, even though she might want to.

Then there’s the other kind. The kind who will be glad to take advantage of his ex’s emotional state. Actually, the kind who will take advantage of women anywhere, any time and any place. Now this kind, you want to stay away from. I don’t care how great he is in bed. I don’t care that he can work magic with his tongue, or that he can give you multiples orgasms that never stop. The answer is no. Don’t even go there. Because while he turns you into a pool of goo from all that pleasure, he’s also turning your emotions into said goo. Sexual healing, this ain’t. Believe me, you’ll be worse off than if you had decided to forgo carnal pleasures for the night.

There are many reasons why you shouldn’t get involved with an ex. However, pretty much all of them lead to the same thing; you’ll get hurt, you’ll be an emotional wreck, or you’ll do or say something stupid. Keep in mind the reasons you broke up. More often than not, they still apply. If you’ve only broken up a week or so, don’t kid yourself that you’re emotionally ready to take on ex sex. In fact, I highly recommend that you have absolutely no contact with your ex for at least a month after the fact. I know its hard (I only lasted 3 days) but it does get easier. And as time goes on, you’ll find its also easier to say no.

If you do have a thing for getting it on with your ex, I suggest being very sure of what your needs, wants or intentions are. And of course, it goes without saying that you’ll be very, VERY safe. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of; this can happen to men as easily as it can to women. If you decide that ex sex isn’t for you, have fun exploring the many fish in that big blue sea. And for those you do indulge with the ex, know what you’re doing and where you’re heading.

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Common Courtesy

Understandably, not everyone you come across on these dating sites will rub you the right way. There will probably be lots of people you won’t have things in common with. Or there’s even a possibility that you don’t find them attractive (be honest, how a person looks is important to you). That’s alright. Although keep in mind that you really shouldn’t judge someone just on how they look.

However, if you’re not interested, its just manners to let them know where they stand. You don’t want to lead someone else on. Maybe you can’t see any sparks building but you enjoy chatting to them. No one said you can’t be friends. Internet dating can also be a good source of friendships.

Even if you don’t find someone overly attractive or interesting, give him or her a change. You may change your mind about them. But if you really don’t want to hear from someone, just say so. While most people will get the idea if you ignore them, keep in mind you’d probably rather not be ignored yourself.
But if that does happen, assume that whoever it is isn’t interested and move on. Don’t keep sending messages/flirts/smiles/winks/etc. There’s a word for that: stalker. And if you’re at the receiving end of all this unwanted attention, you can always make a complaint with the site administrator.

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Sunday, January 16, 2005

10 Rules of Dating

Finally, after a year of mending a broken heart, you come
out of your shell and announce to your friends that you are
ready to meet other people.

However, after several years of having a steady date, you
find yourself feeling eerie going back to dating. It's like
you're clueless. You can't recall what your first date like
with your ex- partner (or you intend not to recall). And
you really want to make it right this time.

At the midst of your apprehension, your friend calls you
and excitedly announced to you that she got you a date.
She talks nonstop about how gorgeous this guy is and went
on to endless list of this guy's achievement and best
features. Meanwhile, your thoughts had drifted to your many
anxieties on having your first date ever after a major

You are afraid that you might screw it up. That the guy may
not be as good as your former. That you will be tongue-tied
the entire time you are together. Perhaps, you may never
have any thing to say to him. That you might become a lousy
date. Or you are never really be prepared on going back to
the dating game yet.

Don't fret. You are not alone. Many have gone through the
jitters too. And it is usual. Don't be too hard on
yourself by backing out just because you fell like you
can't make it. It's just a matter of knowing what to avoid
to make your date click.

Here are the EIGHT COMMANDMENTS OF DATING to the rescue.

1. Thou shall not be late
Do all the necessary preparations ahead of time. I suggest
that a night before the big day, choose your outfit
already. So, that you won't hurry dressing up for your
date. You don't want your partner to see you wearing the
wrong pair of earrings. Make sure that when your guy knocks
on your door, you are all set. Cramming is one disaster
risk factor. So, be careful not to cram. Having your date
stand for 10 minutes on your day will not create a nice

2. Thou shall not narrate break-up history on thy date.
For God's sake don't do this. You are supposed to have fun
and not sour grape over your most recent break-up. And
besides, past is past, bury them all on the ground and
start anew. Your date is suppose to be a new prospect, not
a shock absorber. Your friends have that role already.
Instead of dwelling in the past, know this new guy in front
of you more. Ask him about his stuff like - what he does,
his kind of sports, hobbies, interests and more until such
time you arrive at your common interest. Little do you
know, that you have been talking for three hours straight
and enjoying every minute of it.

3. Thou shall not be tongue- tied
Don't let your date ask you where your mouth is because you
cannot think of anything to say. Or there's something wrong
with you because your answers are all monosyllables. Let
him get to know you better. Tell him what you do on your
work, on your free time, your favorite activities, sports
and stuff. You can initiate a conversation to impress him
more. Men want their women to be witty and sensible.

4. Thou shall not compare
The man in front of you is totally a different individual.
It will be unfair to pattern him to your previous guy or
make a note of comparison. What you should do is discover
this new person in front of you and forget the past guy
even his name if you wish to. Comparison as your standards
will not put you anywhere. It will just make your date a
disaster. And please, do not dare verbalize your notes of
comparison with your date.

5. Thou shall not come in thy worst appearance.
Hey, you are dating because you want to hook up with the
right guy this time. So, you have to create a good
impression. Don't make your date run away from you because
you look like you've come from another planet with your
dress, haven't taken a bath for days and smell like
garbage. Be on your best attire. Look good and smell fresh.
That way, you can captivate his attention the entire time
you are together. And he'll be proud of you as a date.

6. Thou shall not be silly.
The worst thing you can be is looking silly. Do not talk
things as if you're a pro if in reality you are clueless.
You would end up saying the wrong things that will confuse
your date a lot. Look smart. If you happen to be unaware of
what he's saying about the sports hockey, ask him
questions. He will even be amused because you are paying
interest on what he is talking about.

7. Thou shall not be aloof
Guys will be uncomfortable if they notice that their date
seems to be aloof with them. Remember, it is both your
first time to see each other. So, he is equally nervous
about your date. Don't make him feel more nervous by being
distant. Let him feel that you intend to enjoy the night
with him. Be friendly enough to give him your sweet smile.
Don't give him a cold shoulder. If he feels that you
welcome his presence, he'd be motivated to ask you for
another date.

8. Thou shall not be nervous
Don't worry too much on having a great date instead enjoy
your date. If you feel nervous, you're most likely to
shake. It will be embarrassing if your date caught you
holding a glass shaking. Don't be over powered with his
presence. Show him you can manage yourself well. Be
confident. Look straight in his eyes when you answer his
questions. Flash your best smile. Amuse him with your wits
and looks. Guys love women who are empowered.

Oscar Walter is the webmaster of
At this site you will find a lot more dating tips and links to great dating sites.
"Article reprinted from SimplySearch4it! Articles Directory"

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