Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Ex Factor

Here’s how it goes. You’ve been out having a great time and its now the wee hours and you’ve pretty much had one too many. You’ve spent the night flirting with all and sundry but not actually made a successful pick-up. Suddenly, THAT number of THAT person that you swore you’d never call again is looking pretty good. Or how about when you’re single, home alone, bored and desperate as all hell? Again, that pesky ex number crops up. Maybe you’re not the one who does the calling. Its just as bad when you get the infamous ‘booty call’ and you just can’t say no. So, just what is it about sex with an ex that makes it so hard to turn down? And just why should, or shouldn’t you turn the offer down.

At some point in our lives, all of us would have slept with an ex. Even I’ve done it. And I’ve got friends who are sleeping with their exes. Thinking about it, it’s actually quite an ironic thing to do. No, I’m serious. This is the person either you dumped or who dumped you. If it’s the former, then the assumption is that there was something about him/her that you couldn’t reconcile yourself to. And if it’s the latter, well then, how could they? The cheek of it! And yet, all of this goes out the window. Why?

One of the biggest attractions about an ex (and I don’t mean literally here, ladies) is the fact that they are familiar territory. We know we’re not going to find some alarming piercing, skin infection, third nipple, or whatever, on them. Plus its nice to know that you know exactly which buttons to push to get the results you want. In other words, you don’t have to think too hard about how to turn him/her on. And I guess that to a certain extent, that’s a good thing. Familiarity also means that you’re going to be more comfortable. You’re not going to suffer any body hang-ups that might crop up when you’re doing the dirty with a new partner. Although I should add that for truly incredible sex, you’ve got to leave those hang-ups at the door. They do inhibit you and that means they inhibit your pleasure. Keep in mind that this person is in a clinch with you. And believe me, most people are too happy to have someone in bed with them to care that your legs are too skinny or large, that you’ve got a bit of a belly, or anything at all. But I digress; my point was that ex sex, is familiar sex.

Sex with your ex can also sometimes mean great sex. And I mean GREAT sex. But, that is highly subjective and only applies in certain cases, as I’m sure some of you already know. And really, that’s as good a reason as any for still getting it on with your ex. If you know the sex will be mind-blowing, it’s going to be very hard to turn down. Of course, they may be times when you get so trashed that you can’t actually remember that the sex was in reality, mediocre at best. That’s why some phone networks let you bar a number in your phone from being called out for a certain period of time. And that’s also why deleting your ex’s number can be a good idea before hitting a night out on the town. You can always write it down somewhere and re-enter it the next day. If the number is stored in your brain and you never forget it, then I pray that he/she is definite awesome sex material. Before I move on, a note to all those people who supposedly broke up with their exes because the sex was crap; you know what you’re not supposed to do in this instance. And frankly, I don’t know why you would.

Perhaps the most damaging reason people sleep with exes (perhaps the only real damaging reason) is emotional attachment. I know it’s hard to move on sometimes. But in cases like this, you gave to let go. If the both of you are just as attached then maybe its time to talk things through and try work something out. Not all couples that have broken up are doomed to stay broken up. But if only one of you still loves the other then we have a problem. From what I’ve noticed, and I’m not saying that its always the case, its usually women who will still continue to have feelings for an ex after he has got over her. There are many men out there who are very sweet and understanding in these sorts of situations and do what they can to help their exes through the ‘mourning’ period. Ten to one, they’re not the ones who’ll be banging their ex, even though she might want to.

Then there’s the other kind. The kind who will be glad to take advantage of his ex’s emotional state. Actually, the kind who will take advantage of women anywhere, any time and any place. Now this kind, you want to stay away from. I don’t care how great he is in bed. I don’t care that he can work magic with his tongue, or that he can give you multiples orgasms that never stop. The answer is no. Don’t even go there. Because while he turns you into a pool of goo from all that pleasure, he’s also turning your emotions into said goo. Sexual healing, this ain’t. Believe me, you’ll be worse off than if you had decided to forgo carnal pleasures for the night.

There are many reasons why you shouldn’t get involved with an ex. However, pretty much all of them lead to the same thing; you’ll get hurt, you’ll be an emotional wreck, or you’ll do or say something stupid. Keep in mind the reasons you broke up. More often than not, they still apply. If you’ve only broken up a week or so, don’t kid yourself that you’re emotionally ready to take on ex sex. In fact, I highly recommend that you have absolutely no contact with your ex for at least a month after the fact. I know its hard (I only lasted 3 days) but it does get easier. And as time goes on, you’ll find its also easier to say no.

If you do have a thing for getting it on with your ex, I suggest being very sure of what your needs, wants or intentions are. And of course, it goes without saying that you’ll be very, VERY safe. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of; this can happen to men as easily as it can to women. If you decide that ex sex isn’t for you, have fun exploring the many fish in that big blue sea. And for those you do indulge with the ex, know what you’re doing and where you’re heading.

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